Richard: Make enough money, and everything else will follow. Quote me. That's a Fishism.
Ally: Why does everybody have to move on so damn fast. What is wrong with just staying still and crying? I mean, who made up that stupid rule anyway that life just goes on?
Richard: You're not the only one who needs to survive.
Ally: I've been so wanting to meet a guy where everything's not about money... and who's got plenty of it.
Elaine: (to Ally) There's probably three decent guys in this stupid town, and you've got two of them and Mark's got the other.
Mark: That's real funny, Elaine.
Larry: I want you to ditch the father son act, I'll declare Nelle void, we can have dinner tonight.
Ally: Done.
Ally: Well, um, I have a really big day tomorrow. We're gonna depose Kimmy and then I might get deposed so I should probably go kill myself
Larry: I have a slight problem with your lament on prioritising sex as you come in here wafting of vanilla wearing a $2000 outfit designed to punctuate every contour of your body looking very much like the women in the magazines except I don't have the luxury of turning the page. As for locating self-worth in physical appearance, I'm sure there's a mirror somewhere in your little Prada purse, and as much as you might hate the idea of being the object of a man's desires, what you truly loathe is the idea that one day you might not be. And the questions burning deep deep DEEP down to the lip gloss is... Has that day already arrived?
Ally (to Larry): I am sorry that I called you the biggest ass I've ever met. I'm sure that there is at least one bigger, I just can't remember.
Elaine: There's very very few decent guys out there, and in this day of sexually transmitted diseases, the odds of landing one become even tougher.
Ally: I don't follow.
Elaine: They're all wearing condoms. It's harder to trap them by getting pregnant.
Billy: You hate God, you hate him. Anybody else?
Ally: Yes, you. For dying.
Mark: Your last memory of him shouldn't be where he left off. Remember him the way you want to. You survive that way, and so does he.
Ally: And may be that's why I feel so alone. You kow, nobody really understands how much I and what I..
Billy: I know.
Ally: Everybody says life has to go on, and it feels like such a big insult to you if life just goes on.
Billy voiceover: ...like she's not even entitled to cling to it after he's gone. And she sits there. Empty.
Mark: ...A love that she cherished more than life itself was taken from her. Suddenly gone. And in part...
Billy voiceover:...she felt gone.
Mark: ...And she snapped.
Ally: There's a dead guy there?
Billy: Yes, Ally, it's a homicide.
Ally: Uh-uh, I'm not going any place where there's somebody dead. You-- you know I have a thing about that.
Billy: Ally!
Ally: (turns to Georgia) You go with him. He's your husband.
Georgia: Oh, now he's my husband.
Richard: Women, the period once a month, thats good for 3 days sub-performance. PMS, tack on another day. Add the 3.2 more hrs per month women spend in the bathroom doing either makeup, hair, who knows. And the single ones, forget it! All they want is to meet a man. Actually, Ally, maybe we should introduce you as an exhibit.
Tracy: Can I be blunt?
Ally: No. Just continue to kid glove me
Margaret: I don't condemn you for wanting somebody to love. I guess I just reject the notion that your life is empty without a man.
Ally: Couple-hood is good, Renée. And maybe we should stop waiting for the right guy and go out with the wrong ones. I mean, it probably beats loneliness.
Renée: There's nothing lonelier than being with the wrong guy.
Richard: If we win we are heros, we pulled off a miracle. If we lose the wacko goes to jail, justice is served. It is a win/win!
Richard: Only think about this: you were going to take wedding vows with this man. 'Death do us part.' You parted, now what is holding up the death?
Bobby Donnell: Why don't you want to do it yourselves?
Richard: We would. We're just concerned for our image. You know what the world thinks of criminal attorneys -- bottom-feeding scum suckers. Can't have that image running in our firm. But on you, it looks good.
Billy: We'll what?
Ally: Mutate. We'll become the kind of lawyers who can look at a dead body and instead of saying 'why', we'll say 'reasonable doubt.' You-- you can't be a good criminal lawyer if-- if murder horrifies you. And if it doesn't horrify you, then what are you then?
Ally: Do you ever, uhm, want kids? Well, it's just a question. Uh-- I'm not volunteering to carry them to term. Do you?
Bobby Donnell: Someday.
Ally: Well, for the sake of their innocence, you might want to cling to your own.
Richard: Tell me women don't become interested in men because of the size of their wallets. We see beautiful young girls walking around with 80-year-old men on welfare all the time, don't we? People in this country are seduced by success! Fancy car, big house, beautiful woman. It's the American Way.
Judge Walsh: I think the idea of high school boys renting dates is disgusting. Mr. Cage, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume when you first heard of this, you took a moment.
Richard: You could have at least tried to be sympathetic!
Ling: I was under oath!!
John: Are we?
Richard: Are we what?
John: A joke to the outside world?
Richard: The outside world just doesn't get the joke.
Ally: You think we're all from Mars here don't you?
Bobby Donnell: I never said which planet.
Ally: Richard, do you know anyone happier than me?
Richard: Well, I used to but he jumped off a bridge.
Billy: This is what I get for talking to you!
Georgia: No, this is what you get for marrying someone who'd talk back!
Ally: I think I need to believe that it works
Billy: What works?
Ally: Love. Couple hood. Partnerships. The idea that when people come together, they stay together. I have to take that with me when I'm going to bed at night, even if I'm going to bed alone. That's a McBealism.
Ally: Ally McBeal, Homewrecker. Here's my card.
Georgia: Oh, I have it. Thank you.
Richard: Everybody's alone, Ally. It's just easier to take in a relationship.
John: [about Santa Claus] A fat man, trying to squeeze through a narrow chimney, and I taunt him with Oreos and a glass of whole milk.
Ally: With John, it's not about winning the moment. It's about winning the day.
Richard: Having a child -- it's a selfish thing. Couples don't walk around wanting to give life. They say, 'we want a child.' We want, we want. It's a selfish thing. Not that it's not a good selfish, but it's selfish. Don't punish yourselves for not wanting to celebrate your greed here.
Georgia: It's one thing to bring a child into the world, but... our world?
Ally McBeal: I've been dumped before, Renee. This isn't pain I'm feeling, it's nostalgia.
Ally: Being a woman, I know how women react to things even when they don't mean a thing.
Richard: The reason John and I started this firm was because we wanted to go to work everyday where it was fun: make money, throw office parties, a fun place to work. I realize employees will always gripe. Part of an employee is to not like people staring at pretty girls, and not to like tactics used to win cases. It is the nature of the employee to complain. There is always some place better. This lawsuit carries the gripe too far. It saps the fun out of it for me. And since fun was the point, anybody who isn't happy, leave. And if you all go, we will just have to start another firm. There is always another one
Ally: Maybe it's because they say love is about making compromises and that's why they all get themselves into compromising positions... they can call it research. Whatever it is, I don't think I'm going on it.
Ling: I have never considered that. But let me. No.
Ally: There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some loves that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky enough to end up with somebody who has a little of that insanity. Someone who never lets go. Someone who cherishes you forever."
Ally: The truth for me [is that] our friendship is the greatest thing I got going. I cherish it. And to put an honesty boundary on it... I don’t want to. So free fall with the truth and hope we both survive.
Ally: The wrong ones can’t hurt you. It’s the right ones.
Ally: I don't want what I want, and I want what I don't want, and to complicate it even more, I don't even know what I want or don't want!
Ally: The truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content, 'cause then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it.
Ally: Sometimes... there's no point in the truth if the only thing it will do is cause pain.
Renee: Snow White. Cinderella. All about gettin' a guy. Being saved by the guy. Today it's the Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas. All about gettin' a guy.
Ally: So basically we're screwed up because of...
Renee: Disney.
Ally: Whoever said that plenty of fish in the sea thing was lying. Sometimes there's only one fish. Trust me.
Richard: I can't do anything about it, but I'd be happy to sympathize.
Richard: I'm nothing if not redundant. I also repeat myself.
Renee: This is the problem with playing games -- somebody has to lose.
Ally: So here I am, the victim of my own choices. And I'm just starting.
Elaine: He took the stairs, he's gone.
Ally: You could catch him if you took the window.
Richard: It's just that I have concerns about the match here. I realize you share similar DNA, but it's Billy's.
Ally: You're saying I'm the kind of person that can never be happy?
Ronald: I think you'll know more happiness than most. You just won't be content.
Richard: Reunions are meant to allow the more successful graduates... to inform the less successful that that's what they are -- less than.
Richard: One of the keys to life... the fast-forward. Every movie has its lousy parts. The trick is to fast-forward through them. As time passes, you'll look back and say, 'Oh, that little adultery thing.' You fast-forward to then right now. And you're over it.
Ally: Fast-forward?
Richard: It's the Fish way.
Ally: That's your best one yet, Richard.
Richard: Ally, you can't just attack somebody over a snack treat. That's not a Fishism. That's just a rule of common sense.
Ally: Do you think I'm nuts?
Whipper: No. But I'm not sure you have two feet on the ground either.
Ally: Do you mean some people do?
Ally: How did I get to be such a mess so soon in my life?
Billy: You've always been ahead of your time.
Ally: It's as if he was talking about me.
Tracy: Ally, with you everything is about you, but that's OK, narcissism is a wonderful thing.
Ally: It is ?
Tracy: Yeah, for me. Nuts like you heat my pool.
Jason Tresham: Lonely people... they always have a look, a look that it could change any second, maybe with the next person that enters the room. Lonely people have hope, she didn't seem to. She was just sad, like she knew too much. Some people find love, permanent; some are just meant to be alone. She knew what she was.
Richard: She'll be here. Tell me, Ling, when you resort to these sexual harassment lawsuits, do you worry about coming on, say... weak, vindictive, powerless, little ant who needs the special help? It runs so contrary to your personality which seems... vicious. (Ling just looks at him) I'm just making conversation until... Nelle gets here.
Ling: If you only knew the things that are said about me.
Richard: I bet I could guess.
John: Did you tell Nelle Porter I was drawn to her?
Richard: Yes. Sorry. Bygones.
John: Unacceptable! What I tell you I have an expectation of privacy!
Richard: John, which is why I'm apologizing. Bygones squared.
John: I'm afraid if I tell you, I would win back the reputation as strangest one in the room.
Ling: Don't Ling me, I'm tired of being Linged around here!
Nelle: Ling, I admire the way you don't let yourself be pushed around, I really do. Too many people, when they think they're being wronged just walk away, I salute that you don't. But... something's going on lately, you think the whole world's against you, you...
Richard: It's only just the people who've met you. Kidding.
Georgia: You had your legs up!
Ally: No I didn't.
Georgia: Yes you did! I checked, you had 'em up!
Ally: Well, maybe they just flew up! Your Mirror Mirror dropped me from second to third and my legs reacted.
Ling: This woman drips with sarcasm at my personal expense.
Ally: Getting dumped isn't exactly a show of penance. If it were I'd be Mother Superior.
Tracy: It can't last forever, of course not. But who made up the rule that the best loves do?
Billy: Some would see the law in black and white. They'd do fine. Some can't tell the black from white. They'd flunk. Then some could tell the black from the white and see all the grays. And they'd be doomed forever. Ally's faced with some of that doom. She sees grays. She tries to make sense of an arena that's messy.
Ally: That's the thing about me. I make all my clients forget about all their troubles by giving them bigger ones.
Ally: I have a habit of saying the wrong thing when I'm upset. I mean, if you could fill this room with everybody I've offended, people would probably think you're a much better rabbi than you are.
Ally: I am so indifferent to every man I meet these days. It's rare that one comes along who I could so immediately dislike, so I figure there must be something behind that.
Rabbi Stern: This is how you ask me out?
Ally: You are a lawyer.
Ling: But I don't practice. Practice causes wrinkles, look at you.
Richard: Nelle, remember how you hate people talking about you behind your back?
Nelle: Yes.
Richard: I can't do that when you are in the room
Richard: Helping people is never more rewarding than when it's in your own self-interest.
Angela: Sometimes, when you hold out for everything... you walk away with nothing.
Richard: New firm policy. Listen up. Anybody who sues this firm or me personally, we all drop whatever cases we're working on, and we devote all our intellectual and creative efforts to ruining that person's life. Are we clear? I do not want to stop short with just getting even. Retribution? Not strong enough. Ruin! That's the goal. Irreversible, irreparable, irrational ruin! New firm policy.
Richard: Women as a rule hate other pretty women. Women as a rule also sympathize with other women victims because they are women. Women want other women to be destroyed, but as women, they don't want to be the actual destroyers themselves.
Billy: If you find a way to word that cleverly, it could be a Fishism.
Richard: Everything is about presentation, same for restaurants as for shoes. What's inside doesn't count, its how they look. Fishism.
Ally: What's so important about this case?
Richard: First off, money. Secondly, money.
Richard: Georgia, give me your shoe. Why would a grown person wear these? They are hugely uncomfortable, make it easier to fall, cause back problems, but, hey -- call it fashion. What kind of person would spend an equivalent of two years painting her face and plucking out her eyebrows, and putting silicone or saline in her chest? There is a name for this kind of person, 'woman'. Why? Because, we 'men' like it. Don't talk to me about equality. Don't tell me you aren't disabled.
Ally: I love it here. It doesn't mean I have to like what I do all the time.
Richard: Wha-- what we do -- that's slightly connected to what the place is, Ally. It's a little inconsistent to like it here and not like what you do here.
Ally: What this place is, is evolving. I mean, we-- we are a bunch of young lawyers. I mean, we're kids. You work on me, I'll be working on you. And-- and I look forward to one day... when I wake up and I come here and I find you with character. Now, that is the whole challenge of it. And that... is fun.
Ally: Don't say you're sorry when you're not sorry! You didn't even look up to see who you bumped into! What if I was an old lady? I could have fallen down and broken a hip! I could be lying on my back in some HMO, my lungs filling up with phlegm till I'm on life support, draining my family of every last cent of their inheritance while I asphyxiate on my own dried half-hacked mucus! No, don't say you're sorry when you're not sorry.
Richard: I plan to have character one day, great character, but if you want to be rich you better get the money before the scruples set in.
Billy: It's not a good feeling to be married to a person who I am in love with and still not be over another.
Billy: Do you ever wonder whether you're really good in bed or not?
Richard: No - I know I'm good.
Billy: How?
Richard: Because I'm always satisfied - good for me!
Ally: I mean, 'cause slow dancing isn't really like dancing at all. It's just two people kind of leaning on each other, almost as if they'd fall down without the other one to hang onto. It's very Christmas.
John: Do you know that you're odd?
Ally: I do.
Richard: Did you ask her yet?
John: I'm still steeling myself.
Richard: Strong, assured, fresh, bold.
John: You just described a breath mint.
Georgia: I don't think you're being unfaithful, but I think there's little pockets of intimacy that you can't get to with me that you do get to with Ally.
Ally: Me and John Cage?
Renée: Mm-hmm. When you think about it, Ally, you both kind of circle the Earth in similar orbits.
Billy: Richard - I'm having a philosophical problem with the way we do our business!
Richard: I'm glad you told me, I appreciate your honesty (walks away).
Ally: I just can't believe a doctor would perform an unnecessary operation just to advance his career!
Tracey: (begins laughing, then turns on a laugh track with her stereo remote) Sometimes when a patient says something so naive I find my own laughter just isn't enough.
Judge Steele: Mr. Fish, the Supreme Court has recently ruled that the President of the United States may be sued while serving his term, so why should we excuse a senator?
Richard: I'm glad you asked me that, Your Honor, because it will allow me to comment on a very small detail so far ignored with respect to the Clinton-Jones ruling.
Judge Steele: And what's that?
Richard: Uh, they screwed up.
Judge Steele: Who?
Richard: The Supreme Court. Bad ruling.
Judge Steele: The Supreme Court screwed up?
Richard: Yes.
Judge Steele: And you would like me to substitute your judgment for theirs?
Richard: Yes. (Pauses.) Do I win?
Judge Steele: No, Mr. Fish. You do not.
John: Ally, should the Oogga Chakka infant dash into the room, please ignore him.
Ally: We have a real shot on the merits here-
Billy: If we go in arguing a point of law-
Ally: That the supreme court has just ruled on-
Billy: We'll lose-
Ally: And we'll make ourselves look more desperate-
Billy: Which will hurt our credibility-
Ally: At trial.
Richard: Have you guys been passing notes in class?
Ally: I like being a mess - it's who I am.
Richard: He wants to get married. His son won't let him. He's retained us.
Ally: What do you mean his son won't let him?
Richard: He was deemed mentally incompetent two years ago. Evidently, he's a bit of a cracker, but of course, since we represent the cracker, we won't be taking that position
Sam: There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try.
Ally: Everything is neutral in Switzerland. People are even emotionally neutral in Switzerland. All they do is drink hot chocolate, work in banks - nobody gets hurt - and they get to lead nice lives right up until the point where they shoot themselves.
Richard: The main reason women seek to marry is to basically make it much harder for the man to get away. You latch on to him with legal strings. Ball and chain, he's caught. You already have that. [Michael]'s in prison. He's not going anywhere. He almost literally wears the ball and chain. And not only will he not be having sex with other women, he won't be having it with you. In a sense, you really are married.
Billy: This is insane!
Ally: We're lawyers, Billy. That's our job -- distort the law beyond common sense.
Richard: We're gonna win...and get even more than that offer.
Georgia: What if we lose?
Richard: I vomit, then dive into it. I brought my snorkel.
Ballard: If you get hurt- there's gotta be a bad guy. Pain doesn't just happen. There's gotta be somebody to blame.
Renée: You don't like that truth. Here's another one. The biggest one.
Ally: Let me have it.
Renée: So long as he is cute, smart, sexy, and decent, who cares what else he is? Because after you marry him, you're gonna spend the rest of your days trying to change him.
Billy: I'm sorry. I had no right to be so...
Ally: Holy?
Billy: Holy? I was about to say I was an ass.
Ally: Yeah. Ass-holy.
Richard: Everything happens for a reason, Georgia, even lunacy.
Billy: Will you ever forgive my letting go?
Ally: I forgive it. But I'm still not sure I'll ever understand it.
Ally: Today's gonna be a, a less bad day, I can feel it. Sometimes I wake up and I just know everything's gonna be... less bad.
Ally: Love and law are the same, romantic in concept but the actual practice can give you a yeast infection.
Ally: We're not only wired to want what we can't have, but we're also wired to want what we really don't want.
Ally: Time wounds all heals.
Billy: I did love you. Problem was you couldn't recognize it. Love is wasted on you because you'll always be unhappy, that's why I left. You may go through your good times, but we both know the place you'll always go back to. I couldn't have pulled you out of your world, you would have pulled me into yours.
Ally McBeal: Whenever I get depressed, I raise my hemlines. If things don't change, I am bound to be arrested. Do you ever wish you could erase a whole day from your life, a year even?
John: If you think back, and replay your year - if it doesn't bring you tears of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted.
Richard: You're not who you are, you're only what other people think you are. Fishism.
Ally: I have a friend who refuses to get a pet because he says in the end they die and it's just too hard... maybe it's the same with relationship.
Richard Fish: It's not easy finding a person to love in this world. Whoever you end up with, she won't be perfect.
Ally: There's no sin in loving men. Only pain!
Ally: You only die once!
Ally: When guys are persistent, it's romantic, they make movies about that. If it's a woman, then they cast Glenn Close.
Ally: Maybe I'll share my life with somebody... maybe not. But the truth is, when I think back of my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me.
Richard: How impressed do you think this big client was to see you repeatedly reaching for your left nostril during your impromptu excavation project?
Ally: Sometimes I'm more persuasive when I lack conviction.
Ally: Isn't it rude to talk about somebody while they're in the same room?
Richard: Same room, different planet. Kidding! Bygones.
Ally: I didn't think a therapist was supposed to call her patients nuts!
Tracy: Ally, you've got a see-through baby in a diaper uga-chucking spears at you. You're doing this Lloyd Bridges thing through your office. You're a cracker. But that's why you're here.
Elaine: She's always a little tickled by drama, in time she'll look back at this day and want to relive it.
Ally: I cannot believe the things that I am hearing come out of your mouth. But then again considering the places it's been I guess I shouldn't be so shocked!
Billy: You know Ally, she can't even sit on a toilet with out drumming up a little drama.
Ally: Renee, you come up with sarcasm at the most inappropriate times!
Ally: Uh, let the record reflect that the deponent is a fat, arrogant, overweight, bald pig.
Ally: Even if I did get past all my problems, I'm just gonna get out and get new ones.
Richard: It's not my style to care about others, but what's going on?
Richard: Richard: You've got to remember John. You're not who you are, you're only what other people think of you. Fishism.
Ally: Remember, when you're with me, it's the only time you're not the strangest person in the room. So go ahead, get weird with me.
Ally: We're women. We have a double standard to live up to.
Ally: However much I know otherwise part of me has always felt that life has no real meaning until you get to share it with somebody. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of: my life finally taking meaning or suddenly becoming void of it.
John: That's the trouble I suppose in coming at people with honesty, some times they counter with it.
John: I'm not going through an odd phase, I really am odd.
Richard: Is that the two cents? I'd be looking for change.
Richard: Objection! Your Honor, this is boring!
Richard: Let me tell you something. I didn't become a lawyer because I like the law; the law sucks. It's boring, but it can also be used as a weapon. You want to bankrupt somebody? Cost him everything he's worked for? Make his wife leave him, even make his kids cry? Yeah, we can do that.
Richard: "Problem" is just a bleak word for challenge.
Richard: She told her that you told her about what she told you. I'm in the middle and clueless. I feel like Elaine.
Richard: You know, I had a great aunt once who said if you stare at a beautiful woman too long, you turn to stone. She was partially right.
Richard: Er... love without sex is er... meaningless... Senior Fishism!
Richard: The key to successful parenting is knowing when not to.
Richard: Parenting is nothing if not selfless.
Elaine: That was with all due respect?
Elaine: A lot of people forget what they're saying in a fit of rage, so I'll be happy to take the minutes.
Elaine: Sometimes she just looks snappish.
Elaine: That was a snappish remark disguised in a soft tone.
Elaine: I'm sure she's quite stupid, and in time, gravity will get her.
Elaine: She's two-thirds of a Rice Krispie treat. She's already snapped, and crackled, and she's ready for the final pop.
Elaine: Oh, forgive my bluntness. It's a device I use to cope.
Ling: It's a problem being beautiful. It's only the handsome men that ask us out because they're the only ones who think they have a chance. And handsome men are dolts. Life is unfair to us. At some point we have to face the certain reality: despite all the good the world seems to offer, true happiness can only be found in one thing - shopping.
Ling: Nelle is like a sister; when she's in pain, I throw up!
Ling: I'm rich. I only go into work to wear my outfits!
Ling: I am really a very funny person.
Ling: He's about to take a very long moment
Ling: Watch where you are going! It's bad enough that you people get all the parking spots!
Ling: I Object! I'm bored! As an officer of the court, I have a duty to be open and forthright. I think the witness is tedious and I'm concerned for the jury's attention span.
Ling: A woman hasn't got true control of a man until her hand is on the dumb stick.
Ling: There's nothing I enjoy more then seeing a happy couple and coming between them
Nelle Porter: Ling, one of the disadvantages of having magnetism is that you bring people out, people that otherwise would go unnoticed. The fact that she can be so annoying is really a tribute to you!
Georgia: At the end of the day, life is just this big wall of reality that we all crash into.
Dr. Tracy Clark: You kissed him? You're a slut!
Ally: I... I am not! I am not a slut!
Dr. Tracy Clark: Oh, come on! Don't fool yourself!
Ally: Where does she come up with these things?
Nelle: Well, Ling wasn't editor of law review for nothing.
Ally: Ling went to Law School? Ling is a LAWYER?
Ally McBeal: Love isn't always enough.
Larry: Yeah, it is. You go without it long enough and you realize it's everything.
Nelle: You having fun with this case?
Ling Woo: It's okay. I prefer being a plaintiff, but a defendant's nice too. I get a martyr glow.
Ling Woo: So Jackson Duper, you don't tell a woman your real name?
Jackson Duper: Hey, for all I knew...
Ling Woo: You knew me well enough to go to bed with me.
Jackson Duper: Look...
Ling Woo: Why the alias? You wanted?
Jackson Duper: No.
Ling Woo: Certainly not by me.
Jackson Duper: Excellent. Do I get to talk
Ling Woo: Fine. Quick, think up something.
Jackson Duper: Look...
Ling Woo: We're back to look.
Jackson Duper: Hey...
Ling Woo: We're back to hey.
Jackson Duper: Ling...
Ling Woo: How do you know my real name? Oh that's right, I gave it to you. What an odd thing to do.
Ling: Do you know how his father died?
Ally: No. Do you?
Ling: Yes, I overheard the nurses talking. He was crushed by a tree that was struck by lightning. THAT was an act of God, so we go after the Church, HOUSE of God. I need to pee.
Georgia: Ally, what makes your problems so much bigger than everybody else's?
Ally: They're mine.
Rabbi Stern: Are you always such a bitchy little thing?
Ally McBeal: Bitchy?
Rabbi Stern: Coming in here, insulting the Talmud, insulting me!
Ally McBeal: What kind of rabbi calls somebody bitchy?
Rabbi Stern: I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Ally McBeal: 'Cause I'm bitchy? God has no love for the bitchy?
Rabbi Stern: Get out.
Ally McBeal: So how has it come to this? We're smart women, we're fairly attractive...
Renée Radick: I'm even hot
Greg: You kicked him?
Ally McBeal: I didn't know he was real; I thought he was pretend.
Greg: You only kick pretend people?
Ally McBeal: [pause] Yes.
Renée Radick: Well, don't get me wrong, Ally...
Ally McBeal: Why does everyone say that to me? Do I get everything wrong?
Renée Radick: No, it's just that what I am about to say may sound like an insult, so I want to buffer it.
Ally McBeal: Oh, okay.
Renée Radick: Emotionally, you're an idiot.
Georgia Thomas: Well, by all means let's hear your opinion, Richard.
Richard Fish: Simple. Men and women. Friction.
Georgia Thomas: That's it? Friction?
Richard Fish: Friction, friction, friction, orgasm. Fishism.
Billy: Why do therapists always have to talk about sex?
Dr. Hooper: What can I say, Freud was a perv.
Ally McBeal: I'm trying to desensitize myself to murder so I can be a better lawyer.
Billy: Why don't you just watch the news?
Richard: Unisex studies show it helps men and women employees breed familiarity, so long as they don't come in to just breed.
Richard: Is that where you make all your big decisions in life? The bathroom?
Ally: I am human, I am tempermental, I am guilty!
Richard: Having a child is a selfish thing. Couples don't walk around wanting to give life. They say, we want a child. We want, we want. It is a selfish thing, a good selfish. Selfish.
Richard: Personally, I hate sexual harassment laws. The original force behind them were disgruntled lesbians who felt they were not given the same opportunities. Along with ugly women, who are jealous of pretty women who got all the breaks in the work force. My cause to action is simple, women are victims. They need special help. Look, at the evolution of these sexual harassment laws. What we are really saying is women really should qualify under the Federal Disablity Act. They are less able. They cannot cope with romance in the office. They cannot contend with having to do a job and have a man smile at them. It is too much. Look where we use to be, first quid pro quo, then hostile environment, and now Sienfeld episodes. Women can't take it they bruise too easily. The laws are here to protect the weak and most vulernable in society. She is woman, protect her!"
Richard: We just love to live in a politically correct world, that is so involved. Where did we pass a law against common sense? This is a french bistro. When people go there, they go not just to eat but to dine. The ambiance of culture they want to feel elite and sophiscated. A good gay waiter can do that. They have that snobbish little entitlement thing going. People like that."
"Gays are elitist snobs?"
"The waiter kind are. First they are smarter. They grow up reading more books, probably trying to figure out the answer as to why they are homosexual. Plus, they are terrible at sports which gives them more time to study. They are smart, they want to work in the arts. They end up as waiters, way over qualified, bitter, snobby. People have com e to expect this when ordering a fruity wine.
Richard: Love is an equation, a me and a you derives a we.
Richard: Never trust a second thought. Where there is two there is three. You will end up thinking forever.
Richard: Personal questions don't bother me. I just lie.
Richard: That remark would hurt if I had feelings.
Richard: I appologize for Mr. Thomas's hostility. In as much as I constantly stress the need for civility, he continues to have these reactions to witch hunts, particularly when they are so blatant.
Richard: I hate to pull ranks, but this is the kind of case where having female litigants is a plus, we owe it to Ling to extend our best efforts, not to mention this is a client with whom I'm still trying to reach sexual fruition, for once I'll ask you to think about someone other than yourselves, can you do that?
Bernie: Imagine thinking when you go, it will have mattered that you lived. And then consider the alternative.
Ally: I have a great imaginary world, but sometimes I just need things to happen.
Ally: She's my hero! She's vicious, I disagree with almost everything she says, she treats me like dirt and somehow she's my hero.
Richard: John, If we want to connect with her on a cracker level, you get the assignment. But for common sense, I'm the one who should go. I'd send Billy but he might kiss her.
Billy: Hey.
Richard: Bygones.
