- I forced myself to take another bite of bread, chewing casually. But inside I felt stricken, filled with unexpected yearning. And I realized the problem: no one I knew would have come up with that day for me. "This is a man", I thought, "who could break my heart."
- I think the busiest people are often the loneliest.
- Sometimes when we're not paying attention, relationships happen.
- There is no rule that requires two people in love to be exactly alike.
In fact, there is some scientific evidence to suggest that on a genetic level, the people who are the most opposite are the most likely to have a healthy and long-lasting pairing. But really, who can explain the mysteries of attraction? Blame it on Cupid. The moon. The shape of a smile. Both of you can thrive on your differences, as long as you respect them. You say tomato, he says tomahto. Let it happen, Dive in head first. We usually learn the most about ourselves from people who are different from us.
Miss Independent
- Dear Jack,
I love you, too. And I think I know the secret to a long and happy marriage - just choose someone you can't live without. For me, that would be you. So if you insist on being traditional . . .Yes.
Ella
- He wasn't mine anywhere except in my heart.
- I wondered how much of me would be left after tomorrow.
- I'm a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.
- One glance and I knew exactly who and what he was. The classic alpha male, the kind who had spurred evolution forward about five million years ago by nailing every female in sight. They charmed, seduced, and behaved like bastards, and yet women were biologically incapable of resisting their magic DNA.
- "No more Dane," he eventually said with unnerving finality.
I tried to be funny. "I can't decide if that means you don't want me to see him again or if you're planning to kill him."
"It means if the first thing happens, the second thing is likely to follow.
- "You think I'd cheat on you?" I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster.
"With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat."
- Dear Miss Independent,
I've decided that of all the women I've ever known, you are the only one I will ever love more than hunting, fishing, football, and power tools. You may not know this, but the other time I asked you to marry me, the night I put the crib together, I meant it. Even though I knew you weren't ready. God, I hope you're ready now.
Marry me, Ella. Because no matter where you go or what you do, I'll love you every day for the rest of my life.
Jack
- "I've got about ten things to say to you right now. But at least nine of them would make me sound like a psycho."
In spite of the seriousness of the situation, I nearly smiled. "What's the tenth thing?" I asked his shirtfront.
He paused, considering it. "Never mind," he grumbled. "That one would make me sound like a psycho, too."
- Jack Travis was a novelty in my experience, an old-fashioned man's man. None of the boys I had gone to college with had been anything more than that, just boys trying to figure out who they were and what their place in the world was. Dane and his friends were sensitive, environmentally aware guys who rode bikes and had Facebook accounts. I couldn't imagine Jack Travis ever blogging or worrying about finding himself, and it was pretty certain that he didn't give a damn about whether or not his clothes were sustainably produced.
- Getting to a higher spiritual level is like increasing your credit score. You get a lot more points for sinning and repenting than if you have no credit history at all.
- "You told me you believed marriage was for other people."
"You're the only man who could make me believe that it's for me, too. Although when you get down to it, love is what's real. I still say marriage is just a piece of paper."
Jack smiled. "Let's find out," he said, and he pulled me down to the bed with him.
- "Where's your instruction manual?" I asked him. "What's the baby customer-service number?"
- "I'm not running away from my fears," I told Dane. "I'm running away from my relatives."
- "From what I was able to hear," Dane said, "Tara dumped off a surprise baby with your mother, who's planning to sell it on eBay."
"Social Services," I said. "She hasn't thought of eBay yet."
- Dane was shaking his head firmly. "Don't bring it here, Ella. No babies."
I gave him a dark look. "What if it were a baby polar bear or a baby Galapagos penguin? I bet you'd want it then."
"I'd make an exception for endangered species," he allowed.
"This baby is endangered. It's with my mother.
- We were each other's only link to the past . . . that was the strength of our bond, and also our weakness.
- Dane picked up on the second ring. "How's Operation Baby Rescue going?"
"I've rescued the baby. Now I'd like someone to rescue me."
"Miss Independent never needs to be rescued."
I felt the hint of a genuine smile appear on my face, like a crack in the winter ice.
- "Oh, right. I forgot. You've always been a know-it-all. Well, you're about to find out how much you don't know."
"Believe me," I muttered, "I'm the first one to admit that I have no clue about any of this stuff. I had nothing to do with it. This isn't my baby."
"Then give it to Social Services." She was getting agitated. "Whatever happens to him will be your fault, not mine. Get rid of him if you can't handle the responsibility."
"I can handle it," I said, my voice quiet. "It's okay, Mom. I'll take care of him. You don't have to worry about anything."
She subsided like a child who had just been mollified by a lollipop. "You'll have to learn the way I did," she said after a moment, reaching down to adjust her toe ring.
A hint of satisfaction edged her tone as she added, "The hard way.
- "Hello?"
"How's it going?" Dane asked.
I relaxed at the familiar voice. "I'm having a fling with a younger man," I told him. "He's kind of short for me, and there's a little incontinence problem . . . but we're working to get beyond all that."
- It sounds like if it weren't for your boyfriend, you'd be eating meat."
"Probably," I admitted. "But I agree with Dane's take on the issues, and most of the time it's not a problem for me. Unfortunately, I'm temptable."
"I like that in a woman. It almost makes up for your conscience.
- "I should have told you to go to hell," I muttered.
He smiled smugly. "I knew you wouldn't."
"How?"
"Because women who are willing to cheat a little can always be talked into cheating a lot. Admit it, Ella. It's not so bad being a carnivore."
I reached for a chunk of bread and dabbed it in soft yellow butter. "I'm not a carnivore, I'm an opportunistic omnivore.
- "Oh, Dane and I won't ever get married."
Jack gave me an alert glance. "Why not?"
"Neither of us believes in it. It's just a piece of paper."
He appeared to consider that. "I've never understood why people say something is just a piece of paper. Some pieces of paper are worth a hell of a lot. Diplomas. Contracts. Constitutions."
"In those cases, I agree the paper is worth something. But a marriage contract and all that goes with it, the ring, the big meringuepuff wedding dress, doesn't mean anything. I could make Dane a legal promise that I would love him forever, but how can I be certain I will? You can't legislate emotions. You can't own someone else. So the union is basically a property-sharing agreement. And of course if there are children, you have to work out the terms for co-parenting . . . but all of that can be handled without marriage. The institution has outlived its usefulness."
- Neither of us seemed able to be close to anyone. Not even each other. Closeness meant the one you loved the most would cause you the most damage.
- How did you unlearn that? It was woven deep between every fiber and vessel. You couldn't cut it out.
- I realized that my kisses with Dane had become a form of punctuation, the quotations or the hasty dash at the end of a conversation.
- Babies were dangerous . . . they made you fall in love before you knew what was happening.
- The baby woke up before you did. I took him to the other room to let you get a little more sleep. We've been watching a game."
"Did he cry?"
"Only when he realized the Astros were having another first-round play-off flame out. But I told him there's no shame in crying over the Astros. It's how we Houston guys bond."
- "What are you listening to?"
"I picked up a DVD for Luke while I was out. Something with Mozart and sock puppets."
A grin rose to my lips. "At this stage I don't think Luke can see more than ten inches beyond his face."
"That explains his lack of interest. I thought maybe he preferred Beethoven.
- I reflected that for all the people you lost touch with or couldn't hold on to, life occasionally made up for it by giving you the right person at the right time.
- Tell me everything, I would say. All about the blues, and the time your heart was broken, and what scares you the most, and the thing you've always wanted to do but haven 't yet.
- "You can ask Jack about getting into Eternal Truth."
"You want Jack to go to church?" Hardy asked blankly. "Honey, he'd be struck by lightning as soon as he went in the front door."
Haven grinned at him. "Compared to you, Jack is a choirboy."
"Since he's your big brother," he told her kindly, "I'll let you keep your illusions."
- Sometimes when we're not paying attention, relationships happen. There is no rule that requires two people in love to be exactly alike.
- "Can't you just tell me now?"
"No, I need someone to eat with."
A slight smile rose to my lips. "Am I supposed to believe that I'm your only option?"
"No. But you're my favorite option."
- He's a fascinating gentleman. Old-school. I tried to talk him into attending one of my services, but he said he wasn't finished sinning yet, and he'd let me know when he was.
- I wish you were a mind-reader. I want you to know everything but I don't want to have to tell you. Because there are some things I don't want to say out loud.
- "How much do you have in common with
this guy?"
"Not much. Basically we're polar opposites. But do you want to know the main attraction, the weird part? . . . It's the talking."
"Talking about what?"
"About anything," I said earnestly. "We get started and it's like sex, this back-and forth, and we're both so there, do you know what I mean? We rattle each other. And some conversations seem to be happening on a few different levels at once. But even when we're disagreeing on something, there's a weird kind of harmony in it. A connection. To be honest," I half whispered, "I don't feel as safe with him as I do with you."
"I know."
A ghost of a smile touched my lips. "How do you know?"
"Think about what safety is, Ella."
"Trust?"
"Yes, partly. But also an absence of risk."
He unstuck a strand of hair from my damp cheek and tucked it back. "Maybe you need to take a risk. Maybe you need to be with someone who rattles you a little."
- Both of us were quiet with the recognition that something was ending, and something was beginning.
- "Wow," I remarked to an older man who had just turned away from a group. "That's what I call a birthday cake. You think someone's going to jump out of that thing?"
"Hope not," he said in a gravelly voice. "They might catch fire from all the candles."
- My parents never said it. They thought you shouldn't wear out the words If the feeling is there, you might as well admit it. Saying the words, or not saying them, doesn't change a damn thing.
- "What does your gut tell you?"
"My gut and I aren't currently speaking to each other.
- The feelings cut too deep for them to be put on display.
- "What are you going to call the place?"
"I haven't decided yet. Carrington wants to call it Clippety-Do-Da or Hairway to Heaven . . . but I told her we have to be a little bit classier."
"Julius Scissors," I suggested.
"Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow," Jack joined in.
Liberty covered her ears. "I'll go out of business in the first week.
- I had learned that there were substitutes for a mother who couldn't be a mother. You could find love with other people. You could find it in places you weren't even looking. But the original wound would never heal. I would carry it with me forever, and so would Tara. That was the trick . . . accepting it, going on with your life, knowing it was part of you.
- We're all creatures of complex needs and desires. The only certain thing in a romantic relationship is that you will both change, and one morning you will wake up, go the mirror, and see a stranger. You will have what you wanted, and discover you want something different. You think you know who you are, and then you'll surprise yourself. In all the choices in front of you, Restless, one thing is clear: love is not something to be thrown away lightly. There was something about this man, beyond coincidences of timing and opportunity, that drew you to him. Before you give up on the marriage . . . give him a chance. Be honest with him about the needs that aren't being met, the dreams you want to pursue. Let him find out who you really are. Let him help you in the work of opening that door, so the two of you can finally meet after all these years. How do you know he can't satisfy your emotional needs? How can you be sure he doesn't long for magic and passion just as you do? Can you state with absolute certainty that you know everything there is to know about him? There are rewards to be gained from the effort, even if it fails. And it will take courage as well as patience, Restless. Try everything you can . . . fight to stay with a man who loves you. Just for now, put aside the question of what you might have had with someone else, and focus on what you can have, what you do have, at this very moment. I hope you'll find new questions, and that your husband might be the answer.
- I feel like I've been shut in a closet, and he's on the other side, and he doesn't have the key to unlock the door.
- If you pretend everything's fine long enough, everything eventually becomes fine.
- I didn't think there was any way to convince Jack that he wanted more than I had to give, that to people who'd been damaged the way I had been, fear and the will to survive would always be more powerful than attachment. I could only love in a limited way I had learned this lesson so many times before. It was the great inner truth that didn't require the support of logic.
- Every time I loved, I lost, and I was diminished. I wondered how much of me would be left after tomorrow.
- Tara and I were fellow survivors, responding to our wasteland of a childhood in opposite ways. She feared being alone just as much as I feared not being alone. It was entirely possible that time would prove us both wrong, and the secret of happiness would always elude us. All I knew for certain was that the boundary of isolation was the only thing that had ever kept me safe.
- I understood finally that the thing I should have feared most was not loss, but never loving. The price for safety was the regret I felt at this moment. And yet I would have to live with it for the rest of my life It was a confirmation of a connection that already existed. And it was a bond that extended far beyond the borders of a shared living space.
- We would have stayed together even without a marriage certificate . . . but I believed in the permanence it represented. It was a piece of paper you could build a life on.
- I think the busiest people are often the loneliest.
- Sometimes when we're not paying attention, relationships happen.
- There is no rule that requires two people in love to be exactly alike.
In fact, there is some scientific evidence to suggest that on a genetic level, the people who are the most opposite are the most likely to have a healthy and long-lasting pairing. But really, who can explain the mysteries of attraction? Blame it on Cupid. The moon. The shape of a smile. Both of you can thrive on your differences, as long as you respect them. You say tomato, he says tomahto. Let it happen, Dive in head first. We usually learn the most about ourselves from people who are different from us.
Miss Independent
- Dear Jack,
I love you, too. And I think I know the secret to a long and happy marriage - just choose someone you can't live without. For me, that would be you. So if you insist on being traditional . . .Yes.
Ella
- He wasn't mine anywhere except in my heart.
- I wondered how much of me would be left after tomorrow.
- I'm a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating.
- One glance and I knew exactly who and what he was. The classic alpha male, the kind who had spurred evolution forward about five million years ago by nailing every female in sight. They charmed, seduced, and behaved like bastards, and yet women were biologically incapable of resisting their magic DNA.
- "No more Dane," he eventually said with unnerving finality.
I tried to be funny. "I can't decide if that means you don't want me to see him again or if you're planning to kill him."
"It means if the first thing happens, the second thing is likely to follow.
- "You think I'd cheat on you?" I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster.
"With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat."
- Dear Miss Independent,
I've decided that of all the women I've ever known, you are the only one I will ever love more than hunting, fishing, football, and power tools. You may not know this, but the other time I asked you to marry me, the night I put the crib together, I meant it. Even though I knew you weren't ready. God, I hope you're ready now.
Marry me, Ella. Because no matter where you go or what you do, I'll love you every day for the rest of my life.
Jack
- "I've got about ten things to say to you right now. But at least nine of them would make me sound like a psycho."
In spite of the seriousness of the situation, I nearly smiled. "What's the tenth thing?" I asked his shirtfront.
He paused, considering it. "Never mind," he grumbled. "That one would make me sound like a psycho, too."
- Jack Travis was a novelty in my experience, an old-fashioned man's man. None of the boys I had gone to college with had been anything more than that, just boys trying to figure out who they were and what their place in the world was. Dane and his friends were sensitive, environmentally aware guys who rode bikes and had Facebook accounts. I couldn't imagine Jack Travis ever blogging or worrying about finding himself, and it was pretty certain that he didn't give a damn about whether or not his clothes were sustainably produced.
- Getting to a higher spiritual level is like increasing your credit score. You get a lot more points for sinning and repenting than if you have no credit history at all.
- "You told me you believed marriage was for other people."
"You're the only man who could make me believe that it's for me, too. Although when you get down to it, love is what's real. I still say marriage is just a piece of paper."
Jack smiled. "Let's find out," he said, and he pulled me down to the bed with him.
- "Where's your instruction manual?" I asked him. "What's the baby customer-service number?"
- "I'm not running away from my fears," I told Dane. "I'm running away from my relatives."
- "From what I was able to hear," Dane said, "Tara dumped off a surprise baby with your mother, who's planning to sell it on eBay."
"Social Services," I said. "She hasn't thought of eBay yet."
- Dane was shaking his head firmly. "Don't bring it here, Ella. No babies."
I gave him a dark look. "What if it were a baby polar bear or a baby Galapagos penguin? I bet you'd want it then."
"I'd make an exception for endangered species," he allowed.
"This baby is endangered. It's with my mother.
- We were each other's only link to the past . . . that was the strength of our bond, and also our weakness.
- Dane picked up on the second ring. "How's Operation Baby Rescue going?"
"I've rescued the baby. Now I'd like someone to rescue me."
"Miss Independent never needs to be rescued."
I felt the hint of a genuine smile appear on my face, like a crack in the winter ice.
- "Oh, right. I forgot. You've always been a know-it-all. Well, you're about to find out how much you don't know."
"Believe me," I muttered, "I'm the first one to admit that I have no clue about any of this stuff. I had nothing to do with it. This isn't my baby."
"Then give it to Social Services." She was getting agitated. "Whatever happens to him will be your fault, not mine. Get rid of him if you can't handle the responsibility."
"I can handle it," I said, my voice quiet. "It's okay, Mom. I'll take care of him. You don't have to worry about anything."
She subsided like a child who had just been mollified by a lollipop. "You'll have to learn the way I did," she said after a moment, reaching down to adjust her toe ring.
A hint of satisfaction edged her tone as she added, "The hard way.
- "Hello?"
"How's it going?" Dane asked.
I relaxed at the familiar voice. "I'm having a fling with a younger man," I told him. "He's kind of short for me, and there's a little incontinence problem . . . but we're working to get beyond all that."
- It sounds like if it weren't for your boyfriend, you'd be eating meat."
"Probably," I admitted. "But I agree with Dane's take on the issues, and most of the time it's not a problem for me. Unfortunately, I'm temptable."
"I like that in a woman. It almost makes up for your conscience.
- "I should have told you to go to hell," I muttered.
He smiled smugly. "I knew you wouldn't."
"How?"
"Because women who are willing to cheat a little can always be talked into cheating a lot. Admit it, Ella. It's not so bad being a carnivore."
I reached for a chunk of bread and dabbed it in soft yellow butter. "I'm not a carnivore, I'm an opportunistic omnivore.
- "Oh, Dane and I won't ever get married."
Jack gave me an alert glance. "Why not?"
"Neither of us believes in it. It's just a piece of paper."
He appeared to consider that. "I've never understood why people say something is just a piece of paper. Some pieces of paper are worth a hell of a lot. Diplomas. Contracts. Constitutions."
"In those cases, I agree the paper is worth something. But a marriage contract and all that goes with it, the ring, the big meringuepuff wedding dress, doesn't mean anything. I could make Dane a legal promise that I would love him forever, but how can I be certain I will? You can't legislate emotions. You can't own someone else. So the union is basically a property-sharing agreement. And of course if there are children, you have to work out the terms for co-parenting . . . but all of that can be handled without marriage. The institution has outlived its usefulness."
- Neither of us seemed able to be close to anyone. Not even each other. Closeness meant the one you loved the most would cause you the most damage.
- How did you unlearn that? It was woven deep between every fiber and vessel. You couldn't cut it out.
- I realized that my kisses with Dane had become a form of punctuation, the quotations or the hasty dash at the end of a conversation.
- Babies were dangerous . . . they made you fall in love before you knew what was happening.
- The baby woke up before you did. I took him to the other room to let you get a little more sleep. We've been watching a game."
"Did he cry?"
"Only when he realized the Astros were having another first-round play-off flame out. But I told him there's no shame in crying over the Astros. It's how we Houston guys bond."
- "What are you listening to?"
"I picked up a DVD for Luke while I was out. Something with Mozart and sock puppets."
A grin rose to my lips. "At this stage I don't think Luke can see more than ten inches beyond his face."
"That explains his lack of interest. I thought maybe he preferred Beethoven.
- I reflected that for all the people you lost touch with or couldn't hold on to, life occasionally made up for it by giving you the right person at the right time.
- Tell me everything, I would say. All about the blues, and the time your heart was broken, and what scares you the most, and the thing you've always wanted to do but haven 't yet.
- "You can ask Jack about getting into Eternal Truth."
"You want Jack to go to church?" Hardy asked blankly. "Honey, he'd be struck by lightning as soon as he went in the front door."
Haven grinned at him. "Compared to you, Jack is a choirboy."
"Since he's your big brother," he told her kindly, "I'll let you keep your illusions."
- Sometimes when we're not paying attention, relationships happen. There is no rule that requires two people in love to be exactly alike.
- "Can't you just tell me now?"
"No, I need someone to eat with."
A slight smile rose to my lips. "Am I supposed to believe that I'm your only option?"
"No. But you're my favorite option."
- He's a fascinating gentleman. Old-school. I tried to talk him into attending one of my services, but he said he wasn't finished sinning yet, and he'd let me know when he was.
- I wish you were a mind-reader. I want you to know everything but I don't want to have to tell you. Because there are some things I don't want to say out loud.
- "How much do you have in common with
this guy?"
"Not much. Basically we're polar opposites. But do you want to know the main attraction, the weird part? . . . It's the talking."
"Talking about what?"
"About anything," I said earnestly. "We get started and it's like sex, this back-and forth, and we're both so there, do you know what I mean? We rattle each other. And some conversations seem to be happening on a few different levels at once. But even when we're disagreeing on something, there's a weird kind of harmony in it. A connection. To be honest," I half whispered, "I don't feel as safe with him as I do with you."
"I know."
A ghost of a smile touched my lips. "How do you know?"
"Think about what safety is, Ella."
"Trust?"
"Yes, partly. But also an absence of risk."
He unstuck a strand of hair from my damp cheek and tucked it back. "Maybe you need to take a risk. Maybe you need to be with someone who rattles you a little."
- Both of us were quiet with the recognition that something was ending, and something was beginning.
- "Wow," I remarked to an older man who had just turned away from a group. "That's what I call a birthday cake. You think someone's going to jump out of that thing?"
"Hope not," he said in a gravelly voice. "They might catch fire from all the candles."
- My parents never said it. They thought you shouldn't wear out the words If the feeling is there, you might as well admit it. Saying the words, or not saying them, doesn't change a damn thing.
- "What does your gut tell you?"
"My gut and I aren't currently speaking to each other.
- The feelings cut too deep for them to be put on display.
- "What are you going to call the place?"
"I haven't decided yet. Carrington wants to call it Clippety-Do-Da or Hairway to Heaven . . . but I told her we have to be a little bit classier."
"Julius Scissors," I suggested.
"Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow," Jack joined in.
Liberty covered her ears. "I'll go out of business in the first week.
- I had learned that there were substitutes for a mother who couldn't be a mother. You could find love with other people. You could find it in places you weren't even looking. But the original wound would never heal. I would carry it with me forever, and so would Tara. That was the trick . . . accepting it, going on with your life, knowing it was part of you.
- We're all creatures of complex needs and desires. The only certain thing in a romantic relationship is that you will both change, and one morning you will wake up, go the mirror, and see a stranger. You will have what you wanted, and discover you want something different. You think you know who you are, and then you'll surprise yourself. In all the choices in front of you, Restless, one thing is clear: love is not something to be thrown away lightly. There was something about this man, beyond coincidences of timing and opportunity, that drew you to him. Before you give up on the marriage . . . give him a chance. Be honest with him about the needs that aren't being met, the dreams you want to pursue. Let him find out who you really are. Let him help you in the work of opening that door, so the two of you can finally meet after all these years. How do you know he can't satisfy your emotional needs? How can you be sure he doesn't long for magic and passion just as you do? Can you state with absolute certainty that you know everything there is to know about him? There are rewards to be gained from the effort, even if it fails. And it will take courage as well as patience, Restless. Try everything you can . . . fight to stay with a man who loves you. Just for now, put aside the question of what you might have had with someone else, and focus on what you can have, what you do have, at this very moment. I hope you'll find new questions, and that your husband might be the answer.
- I feel like I've been shut in a closet, and he's on the other side, and he doesn't have the key to unlock the door.
- If you pretend everything's fine long enough, everything eventually becomes fine.
- I didn't think there was any way to convince Jack that he wanted more than I had to give, that to people who'd been damaged the way I had been, fear and the will to survive would always be more powerful than attachment. I could only love in a limited way I had learned this lesson so many times before. It was the great inner truth that didn't require the support of logic.
- Every time I loved, I lost, and I was diminished. I wondered how much of me would be left after tomorrow.
- Tara and I were fellow survivors, responding to our wasteland of a childhood in opposite ways. She feared being alone just as much as I feared not being alone. It was entirely possible that time would prove us both wrong, and the secret of happiness would always elude us. All I knew for certain was that the boundary of isolation was the only thing that had ever kept me safe.
- I understood finally that the thing I should have feared most was not loss, but never loving. The price for safety was the regret I felt at this moment. And yet I would have to live with it for the rest of my life It was a confirmation of a connection that already existed. And it was a bond that extended far beyond the borders of a shared living space.
- We would have stayed together even without a marriage certificate . . . but I believed in the permanence it represented. It was a piece of paper you could build a life on.
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