Monday, April 4, 2011

A Walk to Remember

     Love is like the wind, you can't see it but you can feel it.
     It was a lesson that I would learn in time though it wasn't Hegbert who taught me.
     Angela had done a marvelous job, I tell you. The puke was everywhere except the toilet. The walls, the floor, the sinks - even on the ceiling, though don't ask me how she did that. So there I was, perched on all fours, cleaning up the puke at the homecoming dance in my best blue suit, which was exactly what I had wanted to avoid in the first place. And Jamie, my date, was on all fours, too, doing exactly the same thing.
     As they spoke, the only thing I could think about was that scene from Julius Caesar where Brutus stabs him in the back. Et tu, Eric?
     Believe it or not, that was the first time I recognized that in some ways she was just like the rest of us.
     Do you ever wonder why things have to turn out the way they do?
     I know the Lord has a plan for us all, but sometimes, I just don't understand what the message can be.
     I don't think that we're meant to understand it all the time. I think that sometimes we just have to have faith.
     It all made perfect sense, and at the same time, nothing seemed to make sense at all.
     The problem isn't finding out where you are gonna go-its figuring out what you are gonna do once you get there that is!
     Life, I've learned, is never fair. If they teach anything in schools, that should be it.
     I'd love to, she finally said,"on one condition."
I steadied myself, hoping it wasn't something too awful.
"Yes?"
"You have to promise that you won't fall in love with me."
I knew she was kidding me by the way she laughed, and I couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief.
Sometimes, I had to admit, Jamie had a pretty good sense of humor.
I smiled and gave her my word."
     "Do you love me?"  I asked her.
She smiled. "Yes."
"Do you want me to be happy?" As I asked her this I felt my heart beginning to race.
"Of corse I do."
"Will you do something for me then?"
She looked away, sadness crossing her features. "I don't know if I can anymore," she said.
"But if you could, would you?" I cannot adequately describe the intensity of what I was feeling at that moment. Love, anger, sadness, hope, and fear, whirling together sharpened by the nervousness I was feeling. Jamie looked at me curiously any my breaths became shallower. Suddenly I knew that I'd never felt as strongly for another person as I did at that moment. As I returned her gaze, this simple realization made me wish for the millionth time that I could make all this go away. Had it been possible, I would have traded my life for hers. I wanted to tell her my thoughts, but the sound of her voice suddenly silenced the emotions inside me.
"Yes," she finally said, her voice weak yet somehow still full of promise. "I would."
Finally getting control of myself I kissed her again, then brought my hand to her face, gently running my fingers over her cheek. I marveled at the softness of her skin, the gentleness I saw in her eyes. Even now she was perfect. my throat began to tighten again, but as I said, I knew what I had to do. Since I had to accept that it was not within my power to cure her, what I wanted to do was give her something that she'd wanted. It was what my heart had been telling me to do all along. Jamie, I understood then, had already given me the answer I'd been searching for, the answer my heart needed to find. She'd told me outside Mr. jenkins office, the night we'd asked him about doing the play. I smiled softly, and she returned my affection with a slight squeeze of my hand, as if trusting me in what I was about to do.
Encouraged, I leaned closer and took a deep breath. when I exhaled, these were the words that flowed with my breath. "Will you marry me?"
      There are moments when I wish I could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but I have a feeling that if I did, the joy would be gone as well. So I take the memories as they come, accepting them all, letting them guide me whenever I can.
       I do not need a reason to be angry with God.

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